All I'm saying is, Morrissey? Makes me feel like I'm listening to Kermit the Frog emote.
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Friday, November 25, 2005
Over the Rainbow.
I grew up in a fairly strict Christian household, but I don't remember ever thinking things like, "homosexuality is so disgusting," and it's possible I never felt that way. It was hammered into my head from day one that it was wrong and immoral and terrible.
I do remember asking my mother one day what she thought. There was a front page article on how the inner ear of a gay man was different from the inner ear of a straight man and fact or fiction, my mind was whirring. "But if God made them this way...?" My mom answered something to the effect of, "Homosexuality is a tendency you have to overcome, like alcoholism."
This is not a concept anyone had ever mentioned to me before, and while I know my mom didn't intend for it to have this effect, I couldn't stop making little equations in my head, to this effect:
gay=sin=everyone sins=no worse than lying, right?
It never really mattered until I was nineteen and living in Northern California with my grandmother. My angst-ridden heart was in the throes of a long delayed rebellion and I had started thinking a lot of things my parents wouldn't approve of. I was shy and lonely and spending a lot of time on the internet, belonging to a diverse message board--and these people were shaping my thoughts in an incredible way.
Soon the equation looked like this:
gay = not so bad after all
But what would I know about this? I'd never come across an openly gay person in any close capacity. Gay didn't have a face or a name to me, it was pretty white boys awkwardly kissing on MTV or middle aged Jewish men preening on the style network, and I'm not trying to be rude here, that's just all it ever was or could be.
Until I was nineteen. And I saw my cousin Chris (not his real name) and spent about five minutes with him and thought, "Wow, he sure is sensitive." He was a psuedo-goth kid in mostly black, super skinny, the auburn hair that I share with him and his older brother, his lips full and almost comical in their expressiveness.
He was fourteen years old.
On the floor of my sterile bedroom (what can a room at your grandma's house ever be but sterile?) he made me pinky swear to keep a secret. And he came out to me. And I don't think I even blinked. I mean, my heart ached for this kid, for what I was fairly sure had been done to him and his sister and for what I knew he would further endure, but I never thought, "But you'll go to hell, you vile thing! You are at the core of the disintegration of family values in America!"
I said, "That's okay, Chris. I kinda knew." (And I kinda had.)
He said, "Yeah, I thought you might."
Me: "I don't think any less of you."
Him: "I didn't think you would."
And in about two minutes, I had managed to commit the one act of rebellion that ever meant anything to me.
Later drips and drabs came at me--the poor kid had been put through hell and everyone in our family knew it, but no one ever tried to stop it. I still feel a deep hurt in my heart when I think about how selfish and wrapped up in myself I was--that I should have done more--that we've lost touch. Last I heard he had a girlfriend and I sort of couldn't decide if maybe he'd been a sensitive kid who was very confused OR if his father had finally pressured him into being someone he was not...maybe it was both, and he just thought that playing straight was easier. I understand his logic. But nothing's easy, straight or gay...occasionally though, you get those shining moments when you really know who you are.
I do remember asking my mother one day what she thought. There was a front page article on how the inner ear of a gay man was different from the inner ear of a straight man and fact or fiction, my mind was whirring. "But if God made them this way...?" My mom answered something to the effect of, "Homosexuality is a tendency you have to overcome, like alcoholism."
This is not a concept anyone had ever mentioned to me before, and while I know my mom didn't intend for it to have this effect, I couldn't stop making little equations in my head, to this effect:
gay=sin=everyone sins=no worse than lying, right?
It never really mattered until I was nineteen and living in Northern California with my grandmother. My angst-ridden heart was in the throes of a long delayed rebellion and I had started thinking a lot of things my parents wouldn't approve of. I was shy and lonely and spending a lot of time on the internet, belonging to a diverse message board--and these people were shaping my thoughts in an incredible way.
Soon the equation looked like this:
gay = not so bad after all
But what would I know about this? I'd never come across an openly gay person in any close capacity. Gay didn't have a face or a name to me, it was pretty white boys awkwardly kissing on MTV or middle aged Jewish men preening on the style network, and I'm not trying to be rude here, that's just all it ever was or could be.
Until I was nineteen. And I saw my cousin Chris (not his real name) and spent about five minutes with him and thought, "Wow, he sure is sensitive." He was a psuedo-goth kid in mostly black, super skinny, the auburn hair that I share with him and his older brother, his lips full and almost comical in their expressiveness.
He was fourteen years old.
On the floor of my sterile bedroom (what can a room at your grandma's house ever be but sterile?) he made me pinky swear to keep a secret. And he came out to me. And I don't think I even blinked. I mean, my heart ached for this kid, for what I was fairly sure had been done to him and his sister and for what I knew he would further endure, but I never thought, "But you'll go to hell, you vile thing! You are at the core of the disintegration of family values in America!"
I said, "That's okay, Chris. I kinda knew." (And I kinda had.)
He said, "Yeah, I thought you might."
Me: "I don't think any less of you."
Him: "I didn't think you would."
And in about two minutes, I had managed to commit the one act of rebellion that ever meant anything to me.
Later drips and drabs came at me--the poor kid had been put through hell and everyone in our family knew it, but no one ever tried to stop it. I still feel a deep hurt in my heart when I think about how selfish and wrapped up in myself I was--that I should have done more--that we've lost touch. Last I heard he had a girlfriend and I sort of couldn't decide if maybe he'd been a sensitive kid who was very confused OR if his father had finally pressured him into being someone he was not...maybe it was both, and he just thought that playing straight was easier. I understand his logic. But nothing's easy, straight or gay...occasionally though, you get those shining moments when you really know who you are.
Sunday, November 20, 2005
Mmm...makeup!
It's probably kind of pathetic, but nothing is quite as luxurious to me as the scent and packing of expensive cosmetics. The shiny black Lancome compact and the highly fragranced powder within make me feel just a tiny bit more grown up and important than I really deserve.
That being said, I've dropped a load on makeup in the past few weeks. Just two weeks ago I bought Lancome powder, then last Sunday I got the mother of all makeup cases from Ulta. It contained around 40 eyeshadows and 30 lipcolors. Now, several of these are either colors that don't look great on me or colors I would not wear every day, but a lot of them are suprisingly flattering! They do contain a LOT of mica. I guess I will have to start putting on my eye makeup before I do anything else--which I think is how you're supposed to do it, but I've been wearing makeup since fifth grade and I'm a little set in my ways. They compare in color intensity to Smashbox but they aren't nearly as longlasting.
THEN yesterday I was at Nordstrom in Montgomery Mall (the closest big mall to me) and they were having a lot of different events because they just finished (thank God) their remodeling. All the makeup counters were doing makeovers and I happened upon a cancellation, so I got my eyes done at the Estee Lauder counter. (Yes, I am eighty years old!) All I bought was the undereye concealer, because, to tell you the truth, I wasn't that impressed with my makeup artist. She didn't seem to understand the concept of blending. Then I stopped by the Clinique counter to look at their new line of Black Honey products (going to buy one soon, I swear it!) and then, finally, purchased a Vanilla and Bergamont gift set by Bliss from Bloomie's. It was a great birthday present and an impulse buy, otherwise I NEVER would have spent so much on someone I don't know so well. But she really seemed to like it and I was flying high on the shiny silver EL compact, so all in all...a good day!
That being said, I've dropped a load on makeup in the past few weeks. Just two weeks ago I bought Lancome powder, then last Sunday I got the mother of all makeup cases from Ulta. It contained around 40 eyeshadows and 30 lipcolors. Now, several of these are either colors that don't look great on me or colors I would not wear every day, but a lot of them are suprisingly flattering! They do contain a LOT of mica. I guess I will have to start putting on my eye makeup before I do anything else--which I think is how you're supposed to do it, but I've been wearing makeup since fifth grade and I'm a little set in my ways. They compare in color intensity to Smashbox but they aren't nearly as longlasting.
THEN yesterday I was at Nordstrom in Montgomery Mall (the closest big mall to me) and they were having a lot of different events because they just finished (thank God) their remodeling. All the makeup counters were doing makeovers and I happened upon a cancellation, so I got my eyes done at the Estee Lauder counter. (Yes, I am eighty years old!) All I bought was the undereye concealer, because, to tell you the truth, I wasn't that impressed with my makeup artist. She didn't seem to understand the concept of blending. Then I stopped by the Clinique counter to look at their new line of Black Honey products (going to buy one soon, I swear it!) and then, finally, purchased a Vanilla and Bergamont gift set by Bliss from Bloomie's. It was a great birthday present and an impulse buy, otherwise I NEVER would have spent so much on someone I don't know so well. But she really seemed to like it and I was flying high on the shiny silver EL compact, so all in all...a good day!
Friday, November 18, 2005
Know what's fun?
Being on MySpace, looking at the people from your high school group. Keep in mind, my high school was tiny--I knew everyone I graduated with and most of the kids in the other classes too. Not to say they were all my friends, I just knew them.
Now, five years later, as I look at profiles and such, I have the following reactions:
1) Who the hell is THAT?
2) Whoa.
3) YOU want to be my friend? I have not ONE PLEASANT MEMORY that involves you.
4) You live...where?
5) Wow, you look the same.
6) Wow, you look different.
7) You're...gay?
For the last, you have to wonder. I mean, everyone knows that girls love to put "bi" on their net profiles to seem "sexy," which, whatever. But you know, being from a small town in Arkansas, bi isn't so much sexy as cause for ostracizing that person...and so, mouth hanging open, I'm all...what?
Now, five years later, as I look at profiles and such, I have the following reactions:
1) Who the hell is THAT?
2) Whoa.
3) YOU want to be my friend? I have not ONE PLEASANT MEMORY that involves you.
4) You live...where?
5) Wow, you look the same.
6) Wow, you look different.
7) You're...gay?
For the last, you have to wonder. I mean, everyone knows that girls love to put "bi" on their net profiles to seem "sexy," which, whatever. But you know, being from a small town in Arkansas, bi isn't so much sexy as cause for ostracizing that person...and so, mouth hanging open, I'm all...what?
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Woops.
Extravagant, even. Or was I right the first time? Do I really care? I do. I can't help myself.
A post! With words!
I don't care what Hayden Christiansen eats for breakfast, what color Kelly Ripa's bathroom is, or what Claire Danes thinks of George Bush. (In Style)
I don't want to see endless photos of leggy models in styles that could only be worn in New York, to a holiday party, if I weighed 90 pounds and had a million dollars. (Lucky)
I have no desire to give my husband the best blowjob ever NOR am I interested in what horrendous disease I could contract from my doctor's waiting room. (Cosmo)
I just want to see pretty pictures of nice clothes, some can be extravagent, but I'm mostly interested in things that I can afford to purchase. At the mall or on the internet. I mean, that handbag is gorgeous, but most people reading this magazine will not be calling up the Hermes store and inquiring about how they can special order that five-digit briefcase.
And you know, I'm a wife and a mother and I have a job, but I'm twenty three years old. I pick up Good Housekeeping and its ilk, but most of the time, I just want to look at shiny shoes and lipstick. I don't think that's too much to ask.
I don't want to see endless photos of leggy models in styles that could only be worn in New York, to a holiday party, if I weighed 90 pounds and had a million dollars. (Lucky)
I have no desire to give my husband the best blowjob ever NOR am I interested in what horrendous disease I could contract from my doctor's waiting room. (Cosmo)
I just want to see pretty pictures of nice clothes, some can be extravagent, but I'm mostly interested in things that I can afford to purchase. At the mall or on the internet. I mean, that handbag is gorgeous, but most people reading this magazine will not be calling up the Hermes store and inquiring about how they can special order that five-digit briefcase.
And you know, I'm a wife and a mother and I have a job, but I'm twenty three years old. I pick up Good Housekeeping and its ilk, but most of the time, I just want to look at shiny shoes and lipstick. I don't think that's too much to ask.
Saturday, November 12, 2005
Because everyone loves a Mommy Blog!
Here is my precious princess in a lovely selection of Gymboree clothing.
And here she is in her Eid dress, which was totally adorable, and came from Target, ya'all! I was going to pay $50 for one from a department store, found this, and it was $17.99! Woot!
And here she is in her Eid dress, which was totally adorable, and came from Target, ya'all! I was going to pay $50 for one from a department store, found this, and it was $17.99! Woot!
Friday, November 11, 2005
Swoon...
I don't want to like it.
But I do.
I just love the purples. With the textures. And the leopard. Something about it is just so appealing...I want to touch it. (Does appealling have one L or two? Did I spell leopard right? I am so high on cold and pain meds that I'm falling asleep at the computer. Why am I still here?)
I think that after I get a couple of paychecks with my brand-new raise, I will reward myself with a Coach bag. Finally. Maybe not that one...but one. Maybe. I'm not really a big fan of the logo print--it sort of screams, "Look at me! Carrying a Coach bag! See! Coach bag! Me! I routinely waste money on this sort of thing!" But I can't really judge because I would totally spend the money on at least ONE new one every year, were I in a position to do so...but still, I prefer the leather bags, but they are much more expensive. I love the suede ones, especially the purple...but suede is hard to take care of and other dark dyed suede tends to rub off on your clothes.
Despite my non-love of the logo...I do like this a lot...but my baby is not really baby enough for that.
Maybe I will get Dooney and Burke instead.
But I do.
I just love the purples. With the textures. And the leopard. Something about it is just so appealing...I want to touch it. (Does appealling have one L or two? Did I spell leopard right? I am so high on cold and pain meds that I'm falling asleep at the computer. Why am I still here?)
I think that after I get a couple of paychecks with my brand-new raise, I will reward myself with a Coach bag. Finally. Maybe not that one...but one. Maybe. I'm not really a big fan of the logo print--it sort of screams, "Look at me! Carrying a Coach bag! See! Coach bag! Me! I routinely waste money on this sort of thing!" But I can't really judge because I would totally spend the money on at least ONE new one every year, were I in a position to do so...but still, I prefer the leather bags, but they are much more expensive. I love the suede ones, especially the purple...but suede is hard to take care of and other dark dyed suede tends to rub off on your clothes.
Despite my non-love of the logo...I do like this a lot...but my baby is not really baby enough for that.
Maybe I will get Dooney and Burke instead.
I'b thick. ~sniff~
I am soooooooo sick today, ya'all. Everyone and their dog has this strange laryngitis/cold virus and guess what? My turn! I am so tired. Feroze lovingly let me sleep in till ten, then I took another nap at three. I can't taste much and I'm not hungry...also, did I mention the tired? Very tired. I'm also on painkillers for that Thing We Don't Talk About Here because it's taken over my life and I really want to make an effort not to whine about it all the time, so with my tired napping I get psychotic nightmares about being a horrible person who everyone thinks is...horrible. Descriptive powers not really up to par today.
Buuuuuuuuut I did shop a bit yesterday. Nothing too exciting. I bought Turkey Gravy Base and Foccacia Croutons from Williams Sonoma for an obscene price but you guys? That turkey gravy is SO GOOD. Tastes BETTER than homemade. Also walked around the store snorting a little bit at the prices. Seriously, it's pretty, but the day I pay $35 for a muffin tin is the day my husband buries me under the fig tree.
I bought Wallflowers Refills from Bath and Body works on Tuesday. Witness marketing ploys sway me: I went in there to spend $15 on something, anything, so that I could get the antibacterial soap for $2. Finally I picked up a Wallflower refill in Kitchen Spice. Then the girl said, "Do you want to get two? They're two for $20!" So I did. THEN yesterday I went back in for hand repair cream, because my hands were so dry they itched. Saw that the wallflowers were now on sale for $6 apiece. Growled, bought an extra for the study AND another refill. AND the hand cream in black rasberry vanilla. (which is what I got the soap in the previous day) AND I bought another soap (for my house) in Kitchen Spice, because that stuff smells SO GOOD. Witness: my sister in law and her friend called down the stairs for Leila, and then asked me what I was cooking. Me: "teriaki chicken," Them: "No, no, what are you BAKING?" Uh, nothing...Kitchen Spice wallflower strikes!
Also bought a couple of cards of cheapie stud earrings at Claire's.
Then...the bestest of all...Gift time at Lancome! I bought the Dual Finish Versatile Powder in Matte Clair II, and it came with a cute tartan plaid tote, matching makeup bag, two anti-wrinkle creams (hi, I'm 23, ya'all.) Definicils mascara, an Eyecolour Quad in "4Radiance", and Le Rouge Absolu in Rose Crystal lipcolour. The lipstick is AWESOME. Super creamy and a gorgeous color. The eyecolour is actually not as awesome, one of the colors I can't wear at all, the others are pretty much repeats of colors I already have. But I will try them and see if they are superior to my Smashbox pallette in the same shades. The thing is, the eye quad in the color scheme I liked came with a bad lipstick, and the good lipstick came with this quad. I actually told her to give me the other, but she gave me this one, but I love the lipstick so much I don't care!
Wow. Okay. Shutting up now. I leave you with some awesome dresses from Anthropologie.
amazing
breathtaking
reminds me of Hawaii
vaguely Roman, without being overplayed
Buuuuuuuuut I did shop a bit yesterday. Nothing too exciting. I bought Turkey Gravy Base and Foccacia Croutons from Williams Sonoma for an obscene price but you guys? That turkey gravy is SO GOOD. Tastes BETTER than homemade. Also walked around the store snorting a little bit at the prices. Seriously, it's pretty, but the day I pay $35 for a muffin tin is the day my husband buries me under the fig tree.
I bought Wallflowers Refills from Bath and Body works on Tuesday. Witness marketing ploys sway me: I went in there to spend $15 on something, anything, so that I could get the antibacterial soap for $2. Finally I picked up a Wallflower refill in Kitchen Spice. Then the girl said, "Do you want to get two? They're two for $20!" So I did. THEN yesterday I went back in for hand repair cream, because my hands were so dry they itched. Saw that the wallflowers were now on sale for $6 apiece. Growled, bought an extra for the study AND another refill. AND the hand cream in black rasberry vanilla. (which is what I got the soap in the previous day) AND I bought another soap (for my house) in Kitchen Spice, because that stuff smells SO GOOD. Witness: my sister in law and her friend called down the stairs for Leila, and then asked me what I was cooking. Me: "teriaki chicken," Them: "No, no, what are you BAKING?" Uh, nothing...Kitchen Spice wallflower strikes!
Also bought a couple of cards of cheapie stud earrings at Claire's.
Then...the bestest of all...Gift time at Lancome! I bought the Dual Finish Versatile Powder in Matte Clair II, and it came with a cute tartan plaid tote, matching makeup bag, two anti-wrinkle creams (hi, I'm 23, ya'all.) Definicils mascara, an Eyecolour Quad in "4Radiance", and Le Rouge Absolu in Rose Crystal lipcolour. The lipstick is AWESOME. Super creamy and a gorgeous color. The eyecolour is actually not as awesome, one of the colors I can't wear at all, the others are pretty much repeats of colors I already have. But I will try them and see if they are superior to my Smashbox pallette in the same shades. The thing is, the eye quad in the color scheme I liked came with a bad lipstick, and the good lipstick came with this quad. I actually told her to give me the other, but she gave me this one, but I love the lipstick so much I don't care!
Wow. Okay. Shutting up now. I leave you with some awesome dresses from Anthropologie.
amazing
breathtaking
reminds me of Hawaii
vaguely Roman, without being overplayed
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
Under Construction!
Soooooooooo I got a promotion!
(This relates to makeup exactly HOW? you say? Well, more MONEY to spend on the makeup, people, get your priorities in order!)
(Also? In the process of trying to write both about life-related things AND shallow vapidness of vanity.)
Anyhoodle, I've been with AT for two years now, and I love the product, love my coworkers, etc. I wanted more responsibility, but as management often ends up working sixty hour weeks, I couldn't do it. Because, you know, the baby and husband and stuff. Sooooooooo just in time for the holidays corporate instituted a new keyholder position, and I got it! It's a big raise and a lot more responsibility, but no extra hours. I am so happy! You be happy too! AT should be happy too, because the more I make the more I spend on our GORGEOUS holiday line that you must check out right now! I desire the following items:
Wool Portrait Collar Jacket because seriously? How much more adorable can you get than that wide, Jackie O collar?
This twinset in Port with these pants which look AWESOME on.
This sweater which comes in several more colors in the store, and I want the gray and the lavender. Also, much cuter in person.
This sweater in the port color (available in stores) and black. The pin is removable and the neckline is soooo graceful and elegant!
Still undecided about this but in person the colors are really lovely. I'm going to have to try it on and see how it wears.
None of the shoes I want are available online.
I desire this handbag in the garnet.
...and that's all I will burden you with today!
Oh! But have you seen Sephora's gift sets. Mmmmmmmm...also, majorly desire Miss Dior Cherie, the new fragrance from Dior. Smells delicious!
(This relates to makeup exactly HOW? you say? Well, more MONEY to spend on the makeup, people, get your priorities in order!)
(Also? In the process of trying to write both about life-related things AND shallow vapidness of vanity.)
Anyhoodle, I've been with AT for two years now, and I love the product, love my coworkers, etc. I wanted more responsibility, but as management often ends up working sixty hour weeks, I couldn't do it. Because, you know, the baby and husband and stuff. Sooooooooo just in time for the holidays corporate instituted a new keyholder position, and I got it! It's a big raise and a lot more responsibility, but no extra hours. I am so happy! You be happy too! AT should be happy too, because the more I make the more I spend on our GORGEOUS holiday line that you must check out right now! I desire the following items:
Wool Portrait Collar Jacket because seriously? How much more adorable can you get than that wide, Jackie O collar?
This twinset in Port with these pants which look AWESOME on.
This sweater which comes in several more colors in the store, and I want the gray and the lavender. Also, much cuter in person.
This sweater in the port color (available in stores) and black. The pin is removable and the neckline is soooo graceful and elegant!
Still undecided about this but in person the colors are really lovely. I'm going to have to try it on and see how it wears.
None of the shoes I want are available online.
I desire this handbag in the garnet.
...and that's all I will burden you with today!
Oh! But have you seen Sephora's gift sets. Mmmmmmmm...also, majorly desire Miss Dior Cherie, the new fragrance from Dior. Smells delicious!
Friday, November 04, 2005
Detour.
Leila took her pants off today.
I realize this is an abrupt change from my normal shallow and vapid posting, but ya'all, this is BIG. You know why this is big?
Because Montessori says that once a child can get their pants off, it's time to be pottytrained.
She is sixteen months old, guys.
She is a prodigy in my eyes, of course, but she did start walking at ten months. She knows tons of words and routinely scares us with how quickly she catches on to things.
But I am in NO WAY ready to try to potty train this child. Isn't she supposed to, like, TALK IN SENTENCES first or something? She still won't directly ask for milk or food, how is she going to tell me she went potty?!
I am a wreck. She has been sick all week and whining nonstop and I feel like killing her. I had to leave a party early tonight because I knew the husband couldn't handle her...I came down stairs and he immediately passed out in the bed while I tried to both scrub the sink and deal with her in-freaking-cessant WHINING. My only consolation is that soon the meds will kick in and offer sweet, sweet, silence.
I realize this is an abrupt change from my normal shallow and vapid posting, but ya'all, this is BIG. You know why this is big?
Because Montessori says that once a child can get their pants off, it's time to be pottytrained.
She is sixteen months old, guys.
She is a prodigy in my eyes, of course, but she did start walking at ten months. She knows tons of words and routinely scares us with how quickly she catches on to things.
But I am in NO WAY ready to try to potty train this child. Isn't she supposed to, like, TALK IN SENTENCES first or something? She still won't directly ask for milk or food, how is she going to tell me she went potty?!
I am a wreck. She has been sick all week and whining nonstop and I feel like killing her. I had to leave a party early tonight because I knew the husband couldn't handle her...I came down stairs and he immediately passed out in the bed while I tried to both scrub the sink and deal with her in-freaking-cessant WHINING. My only consolation is that soon the meds will kick in and offer sweet, sweet, silence.
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