Moonbounce-licious!

Instead of giving me Ambien, my Gyn recommended that I start taking my Zoloft in the morning instead of at night. This has led to a small issue, namely being delirious all day. In addition, Claritin + Zoloft + Percocet = Feeling like you're walking on a Moonbounce all day.
I do have an appointment with a pain management clinic, and I am also looking for a good psychiatrist. Hopefully the first will give me something better than Percocet (on the phone, they said something about an epidural shot. I find that pretty terrifying.) and the second will give me Ambien and some sort of fast acting panic attack warder-offer, and also? I think I need a higher dose of Zoloft.
Whee! Meds R Us! I am a Prozac Nation unto myself over here. :-)
I need a nap, seriously. I have no idea how I will get through work tonight. Luckily it's only about five hours. I like Sundays because the shifts are shorter, but the clients don't seem to want to leave the store at six. And then they're like, "Oh, the whole mall closes at six?"
Yes, just like EVERY OTHER SUNDAY FOR AS LONG AS THE MALL HAS BEEN HERE. And we have pretty strict rules; our DM doesn't want us to close the doors, turn off the music, or tell the clients that the store is closed...which means that all the people who walk past and see the doors open decide to just "pop in"...one Sunday one of the other stores was open for an hour and forty five minutes after the mall closed, because people just kept coming in.
I don't mind that much if they actually buy something, but coming in, screwing around, trying some stuff on, and then buying one sale shirt or not buying anything at all? People, have a care for your poor salesperson!
Naptime.

Pretend you didn't read this, part 2.

My heart hurts today. I do my best, most days, to be "content" and make plans and lists for how we will conquer our current issues, but one issue probably won't go away anytime soon and it is eating at me.
I've always been a big believer in faith...in religion, in the power of God. That hasn't changed, but my perspective has, quite a bit.
That being said, I've bounced back and forth over several ideas throughout the past few years. Now that Leila is getting older I realize (frightened) that she will soon understand a lot of things and we will need to begin her religious education.
...? Where will we begin it? She already mimics my in-laws in their daily prayers, but who will support me if I sing "Jesus loves me?"
At some point I will have to be done crying about this, but far and above any other issue, this is the most difficult aspect of my marriage to Feroze.
I miss God.

Mommy Matters.

The phone rings. I see it is Joy. Without so much as a hello, this is how our conversation goes:
Me: "If it doesn't stop snowing, we are going to have a problem here, because I will kill this child."
Joy: "So I wasn't the only one dismayed to see the snow this morning? My phone rang really early and I thought it was you, but it was a nasty message from my landlord about the proper disposal of shredded paper in the recycling bin, then I saw the snow and I was like, damn iiiiiiiit!!"

And, well, that's how I think it will be today. The snow has turned into miniscule drops of icy coldness, but anyone who's ever wrestled an almost-two-year-old into a carseat knows that icy coldness=instant shrieking. And even though I want Joy to come over, I wouldn't wish that on anyone, much less a fellow mother.

Obligatory Blizzard Pics.

Everybody else posted theirs...my turn!

View from the front porch...


Our house...



Daddy makes a snowball...


And Leila tries to kick it!


One more of the cute hat:

The Princess Herself.

In her hat, during the Blizzard of '06...


With her newest most oft-used hairstyle, pigtails...

(Erin, you can see that I was talking to you via AIM when I took this, ha!)

In her Valentine's Day dress from Target, say what you will about them, they have cute kids clothes.

My brain, she is dead.

I can't remember if I posted about this already but I have a wicked case of insomnia, and it is kicking my butt. I feel like a zombie, and it is not helped by a nasty allergy attack. Plus it is cold, and the heater is broken at my work. And this morning I was chasing Leila and I accidentally kicked the back of her foot and something went crunch in my toe...and it hurts.
(Insert whiny voice at your discretion)
And five piles of laundry later? The house still looks like a bomb hit it. Plus I had hoped to get all the laundry done before going to work, but I washed a load that was huge and the dryer doesn't seem to want to dry it.
Leila stained her brand-effing new shirt. I keep shopping for pants for her but can't get any deals. Gymboree is calling me with its siren song and I have to run past it on my way into work. Ditto for the makeup counters--it was Lancome gift time and I am on day eight of my not-buying-new-makeup resolution.
(Okay, whiny voice over.)
So last night I saw these awesome shoes and I nearly squeed in my pants. I walked around the store with them for awhile, hoping my husband would offer to buy them for me. He didn't. And they are expensive. But God, I am enamoured of them. I must have them. With a yellow shirtdress, they would be perfect. A pencil skirt and a button down. Linen pants and an eyelet lace shirt.
So. For that price, I must make a choice. I was saving up for this handbag but now I may buy the shoes. I don't know. Both are ridiculously priced, but they are haunting my dreeeeeeeams.
Holy crap. It is almost March and we haven't done our taxes yet. This is not good.
Yesterday I got Leila a cute outfit at Old Navy for half-off. A little tee shirt with hearts on it and ruffly sleeves, and a denim skirt with a ruffle. I was five seconds from matching shoes (white with a heart print) but Feroze (let's just use his name. It's easier.) said no way, she does NOT need shoes.
Yes she does. I will buy them online this weekend.

Obnoxiousness, self control, and grumblecakes.

Leila has the most annoying toy EVER. I bought it for her, as with most of her toys and clothes, and I thought it was just the neatest thing--a camera that looks JUST LIKE a real camera, flashes, etc, but only cost $4 as opposed to our expensive digital one that she always wants to play with.
There's just one small problem.
The music it plays. It's a quick dance beat with a child shouting something ("bam! po! Bam! po!" is what it sounds like) and unlike most toys, which shut themselves off after a moment, it plays over and over until you press the button to turn it off.
Currently, it has been playing for about ten minutes. It's in Leila's bedroom and I can still hear it, even over the dishwasher. Typically her musical toys don't bother me, I can tune them out with the greatest of ease, which is funny, because the irritating Muzak at my work drives me insane and I can never ignore it.
I am sorry for the lack of posting lately but I have made a commitment to myself to try to have some self control and be more careful with my money, and the first thing to get cut was makeup. Do you all know how much makeup I own? Waaay too much. So I am not allowed to buy anything until I run out of one of my essentials, mascara, powder, or foundation. I have enough blush, lipstick, lip gloss, and eyeshadow to last ten women for well over a year.
My reviews from now on will probably be more about food, books, clothes, and the products we buy for our home improvement project. (More on that later.)
Likewise, I have eight different shampoos and conditioners, four or five facial masks, and a hundred billion lotions--so I'm not allowed to buy that, either. I made a big note to myself in my little notebook that I carry with me not to buy those things no matter how shiny and tempting they are. Plus I realized recently that the best cure for my dry winter feet and hands is Vaseline and a pair of socks (or gloves)--which is about $2 at Target for a big ole tub.
I bought a book entitled How to Live Your Life at Half the Price (While Still Living the Life You Love) and while I definitely don't intend to follow it to the letter, there are some really great suggestions in there. All of which I have read a million times before, basically, but this time I saw them in a whole new light. We need to save money so we have a contingency fund. So we can send Leila to Montessori preschool next year. So we can remodel our apartment this summer and so that I can get a car. We need more money so I can have another baby in about a year, and afford to only work two days a week. It was while reading her book and talking to my friend Joy that I realized how much less we could be living on while not sacrificing too much--and how blessed we are to have that advantage. I told Joy that when the in-laws kick off we'll move upstairs and rent her our apartment for half the cost of the one she lives in now...I feel like we're blessed and we should share it. Sadly, by the time they actually do kick off, Joy will probably be safely in Texas, where the living costs are cut in half, and I will be jealous, because she will be close to her parents and I will still be here. Grr.

What Dreams May Come

Last night was one of the worst nights of sleep I've had in a few weeks. Since I started taking Zoloft my sleep has been deep and long, which was nice, because I was becoming cranky with the insomnia.
However, in the meantime, between laying awake feeling sorry for myself, I had some interesting dreams...including one that made me very happy and very sad...
I have to preface this by referring again to the very close relationships I had in and after high school. Sadly, most of them are no more, but one lost guy wrankles with me constantly.
Jamie (not his real name) became a member of my youth group my junior or senior year, I can't remember which. He was a basketball star, but sweet and shy. We became friends through a series of small gestures: He was sitting alone after church, I went and made small talk. I was walking by him and a group of his friends at school, he waved and said,"Hey." Our mothers were friends and I learned about his life, he invited me to FCA, etc, etc. Eventually we went to the same small college, I supported him when his girlfriend dumped him somewhat viciously. He would play his guitar, and we would sing, or talk about music. When I moved to California, and then back, he was spending a lot of time at my apartment and by that point, we were incredibly close. We'd been through so much together and understood each other. (I thought)
Something happened. It was small, but his allegations that I was basically a clueless meddler were some of the last words he spoke to me. He started using drugs, distanced himself from me. Now we're both married with kids, living states apart, and I'm still pissed. Jamie was someone I trusted implicitly. Someone I thought I would call when I got engaged, someone who would smile at my wedding, who would send a card when my daughter was born. Instead I get updates from my mom and my little brother (best friends with his little brother) and occasionally from my old roommate. Anyway. One of the many dreams I had involved two of the guys in my little circle when I lived in the ghetto apartment. They were hanging out with me, we were our age but still single, still around that ghetto apartment. I asked one of the guys if he had heard from Jamie recently; he said no, and about that time Jamie showed up. He was sweet but distant, not really talking much to me. Some time later he went outside and I followed (okay, maybe the meddling allegations had some truth to them) and he turned around and grinned at me, and said, "I want to talk to you," and we went and sat on a bench together, him holding my hand. And then he sang a song about, basically, not realizing how important your friends are until they're gone. And then I cried a little bit and we both apologized and it rocked. Even in my dream I knew I had so much to tell him.
Then I woke up and for a while I thought it was a memory, and I was so relieved. When I realized I'd dreamed the whole thing, I wanted to cry. I'm at a point now where I'm dying to rekindle some of my old friendships, but this is one that probably won't ever come around...
Sorry for blathering on and on. France will know who I'm talking about because she's heard me whine about this several times but for everyone else--sorry for being such an angsty twentysomething today.

Pretty Shiny Things

1) Absolutely the most gorgeous shade of turquoise ever, I am wearing my new Prescriptives eye shadow in Marine with my already-reviewed Urban Decay Liquid Eyeliner in Chains. I feel like a fashionista, but I love rocking cool shades of eye shadow during the day. The shade is not exactly as heavily pigmented as I would like, but it only takes two applications to get a really bright look. It's a greeny-turquoise with a very fine gold shimmer and it's incredibly silky.
2) Also bought a thick lip gloss from Prescriptives' new Spring collection of rosy shades. It's Plasmic Plum 03 and it's a great shade that I think anyone could wear. I've been shopping around for a nice plum lipstick or gloss and I think this one is it. It is incredibly thick and doesn't last as well as I hoped, and the brush is kind of gloopy--this is one you really need a mirror for. I combined it with my Lancome Star Gloss in Pink Glow and was happy with the outcome. Just the right shade for my winter-pale skin.
3)(There is a Clinique Gift with Purchase right now with a repairwear lip balm that you apply at night that I will be getting today and can't wait to try out.)
4) For Estee Lauder's GWP I bought a Pure Color Eyeshadow Duo in Moondance and was sorely disappointed. It is a nice taupe with a circle of forest green in the middle, and while the taupe is a nice basic, the green is so light that it makes my eyes look bruised and took ten minutes just to get some color out of it. Definitely not something I would buy again.
5) I did get something good out of the deal, Tender Blush in True Sand is a great coral-y neutral, one of the best and most natural blushes I've found.
6) Picked up Maybelline's Roller Color Loose Eyeshadow in Spin Around Brown. It was on clearance at Target and I had been wanting to try it out. I have to say, again, I was disappointed. You have to press really hard to get any color to come out (and it is VERY sparkly) and that's pretty uncomfortable on delicate eyes. However, I do think it would be nice in place of full eye makeup on a casual day.
7) Got Patricia Wexler's No-Injection Lip Plumper at Bath and Body Works and like it much better than Lip Venom, but still doesn't give the effect I see on other people. Maybe my lips are just uncooperative.
8) Snatched up Back to Basics Vanilla Plum Fortifying Shampoo on clearance for 80% off and will be returning for the conditioner. Smells fabulous and made my hair super soft, perfect for days when I don't use my straightening shampoo.
9) Also on clearance, OPI's Mini Spree, four mini polishes, a purple-red, an orange-red, a silver glitter and a gold glitter. Wasted no time in painting my nails orange-red and Leila's with the gold glitter. Tons of fun.
10) Love Johnson and Johnson's BabySoft Body Wash, definitely recommend it for dry winter skin. Smells yummy too, like a baby's head.

Tidbits

1) My child is so cranky today that I let her play with whatever she wanted and fed her sweetarts for breakfast.
2) I have picked up a charming quirk from my mother, the phrase "We are some (noun)-(verb)ing people around here." As in, as I stood at the closet at my workplace, staring at approximately ten bottled waters, "We are some water-drinking people around here." Or, when I grabbed a huge stack of mail last night, "We are some mail-getting people around here."
3)The makers of children's medicines should be forced to try to feed it to a screaming, writhing, kicking, spitting toddler. Then they would understand why they need to make it TASTE BETTER.
4)If you, a member of management, have been very, very late several times in the past few weeks, and someone finally calls you on it? You should not, then, leave a message on that person's answering machine threatening to get them in trouble for not doing something when it is something they are not even allowed to do.

Give me a call, sweetie.

I just remembered this and have been meaning to blog it, so I ran back over to jot it down:
A few weeks ago I dreamed that a friend of a friend knew Britney Spears and brought her to a picnic. And poor Brit, she was just sitting there, with her crimpy hair and in a pink sweatshirt, and I was telling her, "Listen, sweetie, I just want to help, you know? I really think I could give you some good tips. I'm not trying to hang out with a star; I just want to give you a makeover. And I really think you should listen to your mom about Kevin."

Seriously? This is kind of what I think every time I see a picture of her, but it cracked me up that my "celebrity fantasy" consists of taking Britney Spears to a good salon and getting her some Clearasil, not to mention a nice outfit and a pedicure.

I'm not dead!

I'm just boring, ya'all. I promise to write a real post with actual words and anecdotes and stuff tomorrow. I will be home with Leila alllllll day, and I am sure I will need something to fill the hours of "Mommy? Mamma? Moooooooommy? Mommyyyyy? Mommmmy?"

Ugh...

My child just handed me half of a soggy oreo.
And really, that tells you all you need to know about how my day went.

So this is the New Year.

Unlike Death Cab, I ~do~ feel different.
Here's the thing. I have issues. Whether you know me IRL, or online, if you knew me ten years ago or if we just spoke ten minutes ago, you know. I am strange. Possibly disturbed, even. And within the last few weeks a lot of things have come to a head and I have found myself wondering exactly where, in the hell, am I headed if I continue just meandering through life this way?
Nowhere good, I tell ya.
So I spoke to some of my friends and I had a couple of talks with my husband and we both agreed that we really need to change our lifestyle, work on being better parents and better partners and better people, and while we've had this discussion before, this time--this time, it feels different. Like it's gonna stick.
So I am sitting here drinking my detox tea, (tastes like ass!) and drumming up the energy to go mop the kitchen floor, because it needs to be done, and I won't be able to do it tomorrow with Leila here.
(This tea, ya'all. It is so bad. Seriously. Ew.)
And I am thinking about the post I almost made last night that was all pitiful and woe-is-me, I've gotten fat and lazy, etc, etc, bodyissuesblahblahblah, and I'm glad I didn't post it, because I decided that I am totally done being some kind of victim of myself. I mean seriously! I am married to a good man! I have a great job! I live in a great city! I have a beautiful daughter! SUCK IT UP, SELF.
We resolved to do a lot of things and I just want to list them here so that I have something to refer to, and then I'm going to finish the laundry, mop the floor, get ready for work, and sign up at the gym. Also, the surgery? It's off. I'm 23, I'm not cutting off my options that way. I got a new doctor, and I'm pretty confident she's going to help me with something besides Percocet and no sympathy.
So, I resolve to:
1) Be a better partner to my husband. This includes doing the things HE wants to do, and not doing the things he doesn't want to do. This includes keeping the house clean and eating dinner together. This includes not complaining nonstop about his family.
2) Be a better mother to my daughter. This includes giving her my undivided attention. This includes more stories, better meals, and more patience. This includes a night-night routine that doesn't vary, so she can be well-rested, even though it might suck for me.
3) Be a better me. This includes healthy eating. This includes going to the doctor and the dentist sometime other than when it's an emergency. This includes drinking lots of water and working out. This includes getting my driver's license even though it scares me.
This includes loving myself, and my family, in an entirely new but incredibly wonderful way.

So. Many. Thoughts.

For the love of GOD will someone shut my brain off?
I had two posts floating around in my head before I started this...now I have about a million and also a poem for good measure.
One of my posts was funny and about my husband, the fashion plate.
The other, not so funny, more about me and my new year's resolutions that I never make but am making this year because, you know, I kind of hate the person I am lately, and I want to change.
THEN I hopped over to Myspace because I'm nothing if not a joiner, and saw my friend from high school, posting about missing her family, and then a post by my very, very talented friend, Lucas, with a poem about friendship, and, not friendship, and growing up, and not growing up. I think Lucas and I have had enough conversations about this particular subject that I actually freaking know what he's talking about here, and trust me, with his poetry, I don't always. His poem had this incredibly haunting line,
We relived the cracks and wrinkles
On our faces, relived the bent
Bones linging our broken
Backs - And Goddamnit

We looked immaculate.

And now my brain is totally stuck on friendship. Which is funny, because today I had a short conversation with one of my coworkers about the nature of friendship. We are said because the aforementioned lovely France is abandoning us and pursuing her dream, and while we're proud and all that, I will be the first to admit that I am totally selfish and was kind of hoping this wouldn't actually, you know, happen.
It's hard for me to make friends. (If you knew me in high school, you don't believe this. It's TRUE!) For one thing, we're not IN high school. Or college. There is no peer group. How the hell would I meet somebody? Well, one of two ways: through my husband, who has lived here his entire life, or through my job. So. We then have Joy, my friend who is also a mother and is freakishly like me in terms of complete silliness, and then a budding friendship with France, who is not a lot like me in some ways and scarily like me in others. (We both dream about the apocalypse. You know why? Because we are straaaaange.) I get along with the other girls I work with, I like them, and I look forward to seeing them, but it's not like I would call them up if my cat died, you know?
The majority of my friends are "internet" friends, though mostly I refer to them as just "friends" (as in, my friend Lucas) because somehow when you say "internet friend" it sort of seems to cheapen whatever you're trying to relate. These are people who live quite far away from me, but have supported me through some tough times and were willing to email, IM, or phone me with love, or advice, or jokes, even though they've never met me. It's sort of crazy and sort of awesome.
Then there's this whole other set of people. My high school friends. Dear Lord. These are people I hardly EVER get to speak to, much less see, but gosh DARN it if they aren't totally tied to my heart and some of my fondest memories. People will say things and I will snort and remember some damn thing that happened six years ago, and then try to explain why it's funny, and then stop, and then wonder what so-and-so is doing, and think of calling them, and wonder if their email is the same, and this will happen like, at least five times a day.
I used to write a lot of short stories about happy memories with my friends, but now when I try it seems hopelessly twee. Possibly because I know that some of those people were happily referring to me as batshit crazy behind my back, possibly because I had notions of "friends forever" and I can't even remember their last names now.
But I know this:
1)Chris poked me in the ear with a wadded up cone of paper the first time we ever hung out, and when Hurricane Katrina hit, one of the first things I thought of was him, at school somewhere in Louisiana. Have not spoken to him in...four years? Automatically said a prayer.
2)Olivia teased me until I freakin' CRIED. Finally, one day, totally exasperated, she told me to suck it up and take a little friendly ribbing. I think of her jokes daily, and still snerk a little whenever anyone mentions the word "foam." She is one of very few people I am in touch with.
3)I can think of about two hundred happy evenings spend with the same damn group of people, and only remember about twelve fights. The numbers were probably completely opposite, but the good stuff has stuck with me.
In the end, I'm not really sure what more I could ask for.
Except maybe a phone call, people, sheesh, would it kill ya?

Wee changes.

I had to disable word verification because the lovely France couldn't comment, and, well, she was getting a bit frustrated. And I was too. Stroke my ego! Leave me comments!
So please be patient if you see comment spam. I'll delete it as soon as I see it!

Doe Eyed.

My husband has tiny, tiny little hands and feet. They are brown (he is brown) and I often refer to them as his paws.
His eyelashes are like Snuffy's (of Sesame Street) and his hair started going gray somewhere around seventh grade.
He wears a well-trimmed goatee, likes designer clothes and expensive shoes, and generally looks more polished than any man who married me ought to be.
Sometimes I love him so much but he seems so far away from me, and then he laughs at one of my stupid, stupid jokes...and all is well.

Erm.

I am supposed to leave to catch the bus in approximately a half an hour, and do you know what I am doing? I am sitting here with unbrushed teeth, in my bathrobe, writing this blog entry.
I believe I will be taking the 11:45 bus instead.
Do you know what happens to your body when you take a lot of Percocet or Vicodin or similar narcotic painkillers? Do you? Well, I'm not going to share, because it's gross, but trust. Me. Drink looooots of water.
I made the decision to try not to take any more Percocet until my surgery for a couple of reasons. One is that it starts to not work as well after awhile and I am REALLY going to need that stuff to work when I come home from the hospital. The other is that it's highly addictive and every time I get a prescription I use it all up, and...that just doesn't seem good to me, since I used to have random painkillers floating around the house for months after my visits to the emergency room, and now they last approximately three days. And the the OTHER reason is that it makes me all puffy and bloated and stuff and who needs that when they are already too fat for all the gorgeous clothes arriving daily at work?
Not me, that's who.

The Promised Reviews

Okay. So. I bought some stuff. Yay!

1) Kiss My Face Moisture Shave: I have been wanting this forever, since Badger raved about it and said it was wonderful and la-di-da. So I finally purchased it. And, well, I don't think it's had a fair chance, to tell you the truth. It's the middle of winter and my legs are covered in hair and dry skin and the bumps I get when I get dry skin. It was not a pleasant experience. BUT it was more pleasant than when I try to shave with regular shaving cream. I definitely will have to review this product again in the summertime. I had been warned against the strength of the scents, but I bought the Peaches and Cream, and loved it. I would give it a 3 out of 5 on a number scale, but I definitely will update you when it gets a little warmer and I am shaving with more frequency. And also with a better razor.

2) Kiss My Face Srub/Masque: Love. This. Stuff. It was around six bucks and it is my favorite facial product that I have ever purchased. It's a honey/oatmeal/almond meal scrub, very thick. I rub it gently in everywhere, let it sit for a minute, and then rinse it all off. I followed up with a generous slathering of my cheapie overnight cream (St Ives) and my face is SO SOFT. It also seems to be breaking out less and is definitely more glowy. Definitely recommend it for oily skin, but you MUST follow up with a moisturizer, especially if you have dry skin like I do.

3) Lancome Star Gloss in Pink Glow: You guys. I coveted this gloss. The color was so beautiful and I knew how thick and yummy Star Gloss is, as I used Sweet Marilyn quite a bit when I was pregnant. Then I got the gloss home and put it on and...there is no pink. It looks like a shimmery, clear gloss on, and since my lips have no natural pinkness to them, I look like a glossy-lipped cadaver. BUT! I tried again, layering it over my Clinique "Pink Beach" lipstick and that was the look I had originally been going for! It's really more of a summer lip, though. I am disappointed, because I like the consistency of the Star Gloss. This is the second time I have purchased it and it turned out too light or sheer. I think next time I will go for a more intense shade.

4)Urban Decay Liquid Liner in Chains: I love this. The color is a gorgeous olive green that turns to gold, and it brightens my eyes like crazy. It's easy to apply, and it stays on the entire day. I will definitely be purchasing more colors in this liner. They all are metallic shades and so gorgeous.

5) I treated myself to an OPI manicure kit with Natural Nail Base Coat and Top Coat, which I've been using with my Essie Nail Polish in Curtain Call. I was originally very disappointed with my Essie nail polish, because it didn't even last a day before chipping, but when I use it with the OPI base and top coats, it lasts a few days. It's a really relaxing ritual, removing the polish, pushing back my cuticles, painting the three coats. And it's a heck of a lot cheaper than going to the salon!

Yesterday I bought an Estee Lauder eyeshadow compact, and it came with a gift, but since I haven't used anything yet I'll tell you all about it later. :-)

Also, I have discovered the perfect mascara combination: One coat of Lancome Definicils, then, immediately, a coat of Maybelline Illegal Lengths. This makes my lashes sooooo long and defined, but the Illegal Lengths is thick enough to keep them from looking spindly. I use the waterproof, so it doesn't smudge, but since the first coat isn't waterproof, it comes off easily when I wash my face.

A Wee Martyr Complex

Sometimes I call my husband FiFi. This is enjoyable because it is a legitimate shortening of his name but it pisses him right off.
So last night, as I was hovering over him at around one in the morning, begging him to come and sleep in the bed with me, it might not have been the BEST move, but I couldn't help myself.
(Here is the part where I write my dissertation on why it's perfectly healthy for men and women to sleep in separate beds. Except I'm not gonna. Our bed is too small and we can't afford a new one right now, and I have been sick, so some nights he sleeps on the futon, and some nights he sleeps in the bed with me.)
Anyway, I have sleep issues. Major, major ones. And lately with all the stress of the surgery, I have a horrible time falling asleep and a horrible time staying asleep, peppered with horrible nightmares.
Then when I'm not having nightmares, I'm remembering the ones I had that scared the stuffing outta me, which is what happened last night. I went to lock the door, and remembered this horrible nightmare I had (after watching Batman Begins) about how the middle school near our house was an insane asylum and they decided to just release all the inmates into my neighborhood, so I ran all the way home with my neighbor girl, and we were safe, but then that night I went to lock the doors and there was a crazy lady standing right outside my door, in between the screen and the door, and...well, you can see how that memory upset me.
(I was going to see how long I could make that run-on, but I gave up.)
So that is how I came to be wheedling, "FiFi, will you sleep in the beeeeeeeed with meeee, pleeeease?" at one in the morning. And then he muttered and grumbled and whined and said that I needed to get up with Leila if she cried, and I said yes...except that I couldnt' lift her out of her crib to change her diaper because my back hurt so much. And also maybe I slept through her crying that other time.
Sorry, FiFi. I loooooooove you!