There are things I don't really talk about on here. I ache to be able to express myself like some of my favorite bloggers, but I can't get over the fact that people I know (both well and tangentially) read this blog. I'd rather that some stock guy at Williams-Sonoma not look across the mall and think, "Hey, there's that blob of insecurity who tries to be amusing and talks about shopping WAY too much."
On the other hand, I'm an attention whore and wish I was a famous blogger who got free things and encouraging emails from other famous bloggers.
I struggle with a lot. Lately things seem to be piling up on me until I feel I can't breathe. I am needy. I am inadequate. I am a failure as a mother, a wife, a daughter. Also as a friend. I don't return phone calls. I play on the internet when I should be playing with my daughter. I don't give my husband enough sex and I'm not trying hard enough to "get better" from the various ailments that seem to have taken over my life.
I don't even freaking know how to drive and I can't save money no matter how important it is.
I need to go back to school and I miss my reputation as a "smart girl." I hurt people's feelings without even realizing it, without picking up on important clues that should have shown me. In retrospect I don't even remember what I said or did but obviously it hurt someone's feelings enough to feel like I needed an ego check, and I got one. Now I can't get it out of my head even though I am sure that it was only half my own crappiness and half her sensitivity...but since I've always considered myself a fairly sensitive person--it hurts to realize I'm obviously not.
I need to try harder. Other people make do with less money and less time, but I can't be bothered to go to the dentist or vacuum my carpet. I'm ashamed of myself most of the time, and I don't want to feel this way anymore.
I don't make New Year's Resolutions because I think they're dumb, but I have goals.
1) Keep house clean.
2) Be a better, more understanding wife/mother/friend/coworker.
3) Take care of self--go to gym, eat right, go to doctor and dentist regularly instead of when things are too bad to wait any longer.
4) Take care of family. Make dinner, tend to needs.
5) Learn to drive.
6) Be responsible with money. Save more, spend less.
7) Make a plan, set goals re: college and/or advancement at work.
8) Get a life, spend less time putzing around on internet.
If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go do the dishes now.